what to do if you feel like your getting nowhere

If you're on a route that yous believe is never going to end and never going to get better, what do you do? Should you just accept that'south your lot in life and you should just deal with it?

Or exercise yous take a leap of organized religion in a direction that leads to the unknown in hopes that life will become better? There is e'er hope, only sometimes information technology has to be pursued.

(The post-obit podcast transcript has been modified for easier readability and to benefit the Deaf and hard of hearing)

I got an email back in March that I read on the evidence, and I hadn't heard back from the person until just recently, and I'grand going to read yous both of them. They're very brusque. The get-go one said, "Hey, I mind to your podcasts, and they aid me on a daily basis. I've been dealing with a dead-end chore, and heavy feet and I go along falling back into the same loop where I feel like my life is going nowhere. I'm failing myself and my loved ones and information technology leads me to using drugs to aid me bargain with things. I experience lost and trapped in this brutal cycle. Any advice you could give me would be much appreciated."

That'due south the original e-mail and when I got that, I thought how am I going to help this person? I don't know what to say. When everything is against y'all, and your job sucks and you're taking drugs and there's just no, information technology feels like there'southward no manner out of information technology." I read that on the episode When life seems like an countless series of expressionless ends.

That might exist useful for yous if you are feeling like life is an countless serial of dead ends. I hadn't heard back from that person. When I create episodes, I really desire the episode to help the person writing, and anyone else that'southward listening that might take issues in their life. Information technology is squeamish to get feedback every now and then to detect out if the episode actually did assistance.

I did stop up getting feedback on this one. Information technology was another brusk and sweet email that said, "Hey, Paul, I hope y'all're well. I wrote to yous a couple of months ago and you did a podcast on it. Since so my life has changed drastically and for the improve. I have done what I was scared to do, and left my job for a better ane. And I have never felt such relief. My anxiety is meliorate and I've stopped taking drugs to cover up my problems. I but want to say thank yous for your help and wisdom. It's changed my life. You're an amazing person and truly practise change lives. Much beloved."

Wow. That's the kind of response I absolutely want and hope to become every time I create an episode or help someone out. It sounds like what he heard on that show helped him out. I'thousand sure at that place were many, many steps that he had to take that were very difficult for him. He had much anxiety. When life is throwing yous all these curveballs and everything seems impossible and you lot feel like you're stuck, and you feel similar you have no options, you might take to have some large leap somewhere in i direction, or in many directions, in social club for things to modify.

I wanted to read both of these because I don't know about yous, but in my life, similar in my 20s, maybe a niggling bit in my 30s, I felt depressed. I felt like the globe had null more than to offer and so why should I be here? What'south the point? It felt like there was no meaning in life. It felt like I had no purpose. I certainly didn't feel joy. I didn't feel any of the positive feelings that I saw other people feeling.

I had to go through this menstruum of my life. That was extremely difficult considering I really felt like in that location was no point. I was unhappy and depressed. I'd call up, "Today is awful and the adjacent mean solar day is going to be awful, too. It's never going to terminate."

That was my belief organization: It was never going to cease. Simply it e'er does. It always ends. And I know some people might exist in a state of listen right now or a depressed land that disagrees with that. Because sometimes in that location's loss in our life, in that loss brings sadness or terrible feelings that we don't desire to feel. Or if it's not loss, information technology's failure or just not being able to achieve anything or mayhap you've achieved a lot and it's notwithstanding non plenty. You just can't find a fashion to notice satisfaction in life.

Starting time of all, y'all're not alone. And if you lot're going through that now, information technology does transition into something amend. It does. And if you don't believe me, I'm here to tell you that you don't know what's going to happen. Sometimes things happen out of the blueish. They tin can shift your mindset in a millisecond. It tin change how you experience. It tin alter how you think.

And I will say this, I don't know if it's half the time or more, but often, when you accept the spring into a management, that is how the mindset shifts. That is how you lot get out of the negative state and into a more fulfilling state – A more purposeful place. Simply that is a scary leap sometimes. When you feel stuck and you feel like you lot have no options, and you lot feel like at that place's nothing you can do (which I know is a redundant argument), and it doesn't feel similar things are ever going to get better, you might not make the right decisions. Yous might not make whatsoever determination. Or you might brand bad decisions considering you don't think it's going to get ameliorate.

This reminds me of my showtime long term relationship. As soon as we bankrupt up, when she left, I just wanted to move away. I wanted to pack upwardly our place and move away and never look back. That was my immediate decision. I idea there was no reason to stay and no reason to recollect I was going to be happy once again. I believed this was my life from that indicate forwards. Then I decided that I was going to move closer to family unit. At least and so I'd accept some connexion with somebody that loves me.

That was my firsthand thought, probably within a solar day or 2 after the breakup, because we lived together. We endemic a condo together, and I just didn't want to stay. Staying meant pain.

And then I packed everything up in the house and I gave what was hers to her. Then I was fix to go. If you were to come into my firm, y'all'd find it total of boxes. I was set up! But for some reason, I think information technology was like a couple of weeks later, I asked myself, "What am I doing? This is crazy. I've already established life down here.I have a job and I'k leaving considering someone left me and I recollect I'yard going to be unhappy?"

It wasn't that I was suddenly feeling amend. It was just foreign to me that I was packing up my life considering a function of it inverse, and I was only making this rash, quick, not-well-thought-out conclusion that was going to shift my living arrangement and my reality completely. Talk virtually a huge upheaval in life! I just wanted to merely change everything. I didn't even requite myself a hazard to grieve. Just I was immature and that was my first long term relationship and I didn't really know how to grieve. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know this was a normal part of life.

I didn't want to believe that breaking upwards with someone was a normal office of life simply it is. And information technology hurts. And I didn't desire to exercise it. Nobody wants to exercise it. Nobody wants to become through that. Some people may desire to pause up, but the people who don't desire to break up with someone that go through a breakup, information technology is painful. And information technology's worse for some people than it is for others.

I had a fear of abandonment, and I was highly dependent on my partner. And I was very clingy. I also feared being lone. I had a lot of dysfunctions that I got fulfilled by being in a relationship. Only as I've talked well-nigh before, when you take all these dependencies on someone, and they have a job to create function from your dysfunctions, or fulfill what's missing in you, that's a lot of pressure on someone!

And the more pressure you put on someone, the more than likely they're going to altitude themselves from you lot. And you lot may not think you're putting pressure on them. I used to remember that loving her and giving her all this attending, and always wanting to be with her, was something that she'd want. Simply information technology turned out to exist clingy and dependent. I was similar a little puppy following her around all the time, and that drove her away. That acquired her to altitude herself emotionally from me.

After a couple years, near the end of the relationship, she distanced herself from me, emotionally and physically. She was just gone! That was it. When information technology concluded, it was over. There was no love anymore. Well, in that location was love simply not the feeling of existence in beloved. She was gone. Merely she needed to do that. She needed to protect herself to be in a safer space with herself because I put so much force per unit area on her and because of my dysfunctions.

Every bit you lot probably know, dysfunctions come from old traumas, old neglects, and sometime interpretations from when you lot were younger. When you are with your caretakers as a child, you lot tin can misinterpret things they do or say to yous. Or you interpret them correctly because they are neglectful, abusive, or hurtful.

We take all these old traumas and one-time neglects and everything that happened to u.s.a. as a child, and with our kid brain, turn them into things we can empathize. And so, when we grow up, we have these learnings from childhood that we have with u.s.a. into our adult relationships. And then we either stay that child in the human relationship with all of our triggers, or we get a new person past dealing with our triggers and understanding the dysfunctions we might have. You may or may not call them dysfunctions, but I do.

I didn't know back so, when I was a kid, they were dysfunctions, but when we larn about these things (either by listening to shows similar this, going to therapy, or just figuring it out for yourself), then information technology's important to address them and so that they don't cause a strain on whatsoever of our relationships.

You can have dysfunctions that cause tension between y'all and family, or you and friends, or you and your partner. I had a client that had a friend for over xx years and she didn't realize how much dysfunction there was between them. Her friend was doing behavior that was emotionally harmful, and she had to altitude herself from this friend. It was difficult for her because they were friends. She didn't realize all that time that it was a dysfunctional relationship, merely this is what happens when yous start healing and working on yourself: You lot start to realize what dysfunctions are in your life and what you lot might need to practice so that you don't have them anymore. When you work on yourself, yes, yous might lose relationships just like my ex-girlfriend did dorsum when she decided that she needed to exercise something for herself which was getting away from me.

She needed to protect herself and find a safer space to be, either with someone else or no ane else, just she needed to terminate feeling the pressure level I put on her (that'due south my word: force per unit area. I don't know what it actually felt like to her, merely I'm assuming it felt similar some sort of pressure level, or some sort of negative energy inside of her). When she was with me, it was wearing her out and wearing her downwardly.

She may not have been able to explain exactly why she felt the mode she did, but later all my healing and all the piece of work I did on myself, and everything I've learned, I now realize all of my misbehaviors. I now sympathise that a lot of my behavior comes from my onetime traumas, my emotional triggers, and the stuff I didn't really think was a problem in my life. Just similar you might be walking around with things that you went through.

Emotional traumas are onetime, emotional wounds that you don't call back are a trouble today but they bear witness up in ways that create issues in your life, and you lot may not attribute those bug to what's going on or what had happened in your life in the past. Y'all have these relationships that seem to have tension in them and yous think it'southward the other person, or you think information technology's something else. It could be that person or it could be something you lot're conveying around – some sort of quondam emotional wound that might need healing.

The scary part of healing is that you find something you don't want to notice most yourself which causes you to become very vulnerable. It's scary! At that point however, you lot might have to take that jump. I'k talking almost the scary bound into the unknown. That might hateful you learn something new, or do something that yous've never done before.

The reason I read this e-mail at the beginning information technology sounded like this person didn't want to leave his chore. He said he was in a expressionless-end job, simply leaving was scary because what does that mean? Information technology means maybe some deep, dark, primal fright of having no coin.

And if you have no money, you're going to starve.
And if yous starve, you're going to dice.

These are the kinds of fears we attribute to the future. The fears in our life today often originate from a deeper place inside of usa. Fear of not having a job could actually be a fear of dying at the deepest level. I've talked about that in other episodes where yous drill down into the fright to effigy out where that fear comes from, why you have information technology, and what it'due south about.

When you exercise that process, yous realize, "Oh, I'grand non really afraid of losing my job. I'1000 afraid of starving. I'm afraid of losing my life!" Or, "I'm afraid of not taking care of my family unit or non being able to take care of myself and being homeless and dying…"

Like I said, when you drill downward into those fears and observe their origin, you realize that, "Peradventure I shouldn't be and then afraid of quitting my job because I'yard belongings on to some one-time stuff. I'thousand holding on to some one-time belief systems."

I'm not proverb that if you lost your task, you wouldn't starve and die. Sure, that'due south a possibility. Just has it happened yet? I'yard asking you, Has that happened?

I'chiliad non saying it couldn't. I wait at my life and the fears I carried around with me. When I made the decision to quit a task when I knew there was no money after I quit, and we were already going to the soup kitchen because we were so broke, I had to face the fear that we were going to end upward starving or dying.

I looked dorsum at that time of my life realized I was carrying effectually unrealistic fright. Simply at the same time, it was a real fear to me. I had a key fearfulness of dying at the deepest level because I knew money is how we buy food. Money is how we get around and how nosotros pay for clothes and shelter and all kinds of things. I knew money was the way we run the world. I carried a rigid conventionalities system that ane must have money to survive.

Then one solar day, I had no money. I was married at the time. We lost our jobs, we had to leave our rental, had no coin, and nosotros ended upwards going to the soup kitchen every morning. At that point, I realized that having no money doesn't necessarily mean death .

I had to change my belief organisation. I had to believe something new, that having no money doesn't mean death. I didn't know how to wrap my head around that! I didn't know what to practice with that information.

I matter that happened was realizing that if having no money doesn't mean death, then I don't have to fright having no money. You lot know what that does? It releases y'all. If you tin get into this space, it takes all the pressure off. That pressure is what we put on ourselves, thinking, "Oh God, if I walk into the boss'south office and quit, and I have no money, then what? I'grand going to die. Or I'm not going to be able to take care of my kids or who knows what else?"

I'm not maxim that couldn't happen. It absolutely could. Simply I look at my 50 years on this earth, and every time I had no money, I somehow made it through. I know, that'south non a success story that anybody has. But I didn't die.

What does that hateful? Information technology means I had to shift my perceptions. I had to sympathize that having no money doesn't mean death anymore. And I came to some conclusions. One was that having no coin ways less options. Of class, having no coin means less options, but it doesn't mean no options because I notwithstanding had options.

I really had to adopt the belief that having no money doesn't equal death. When I did that, like I said, I shifted. I moved into a new space within myself. That allowed me to quit a job when I needed the money most. I hated that chore anyway. I didn't want to piece of work there. I felt like a prisoner at that task. Iii weeks into it, I wanted to leave but I felt stuck. I felt like if I stayed, I would be miserable for however long I was stuck there. Mayhap the residue of my life?

Whatever belief I had back then, I didn't want to quit because I knew I needed the coin. But later on talking to my wife at the fourth dimension, I decided to quit because she supported it and all of a sudden, I was costless. I was gratuitous of the emotional prison that I felt like I was in. That's very dramatic way to put it, but I did hate information technology there. And I didn't desire to be in that location anymore.

Going dorsum to the soup kitchen felt amazing believe it or not. Why? Because of that huge realization that having no money doesn't hateful I'g going to dice. I was able to resolve an old fear that I had that running out of coin is the worst-case scenario. Just it wasn't. That's the big leap I took.

I sympathise some people can't take that spring. Y'all may not be able to take that leap and I can't even tell yous with 100% certainty that what happened to me will happen to you. Everything I went through, all the decisions I made, were the correct ones. I know this because I am here. I'm notwithstanding alive. I made information technology through. I'one thousand still surviving. I'm still on this earth and I am still able to eat every twenty-four hour period. I consider myself very lucky and very grateful.

That'south what hitting the bottom can do too: It can make you feel grateful for everything else; for everything in your life. Considering once you hit the bottom, in that location'southward nowhere else to go. Then once yous start climbing out of the lesser, climbing up, then you realize how much you actually have and how much other people don't have, and how your story may not be as bad as someone else's story which could be 10 times worse than yours, and yous just go through this transformation.

Information technology'due south an enlightening stage. And this enlightenment helps you gain a new perspective and so that y'all don't have such a negative outlook. It takes y'all out of any type of blah or depressed land. I talked about that a few weeks agone about how you lot can be in these apathetic states, and you don't experience like there'southward a manner out, and y'all might have to striking bottom.

The reason I'k telling you all this is because in this email, this person felt like he striking bottom. In the email, he said he felt anxiety all the fourth dimension and he keeps falling back into the same loop where it feels like life is going nowhere. He was at a loss. He didn't know what to practice.

When I got the email, I wasn't sure what to tell him at get-go. Because what do you lot do when your entire life is confronting you? What do you do when yous are really down and out and y'all don't know if you lot can always become out of this hole?

First thing I always say is everything is temporary. Nosotros've all heard this. Everything always changes. Change is all there is.

Equally not bad equally that is for someone who's downwards and out, it doesn't sound and so dandy for someone who has everything they want. If y'all are in a great situation similar I thought I was with my kickoff girlfriend – I thought I was in a great state of affairs and then suddenly she was gone. When this happens to you over again and again throughout life, y'all beginning developing a resilience for life itself. You outset to realize, "Oh, this is part of life. This is what'southward supposed to happen."

I thought I don't like this! But this is how it's supposed to be. Alter is supposed to happen. Information technology is a role of being live. It is a part of existing. Some people might think that's too painful. I don't desire to deal with that. I don't desire to get through that pain.

The pain doesn't concluding though. The pain is temporary. And if it'southward not temporary for you lot, and then yous might have to take a leap, that spring of faith that I talked about earlier.

That's what this person did. He decided that fifty-fifty though he was in a dead-end task, and his life was pretty terrible right now, and he really didn't believe in that location was a way out of information technology, he took a leap of faith.

He wrote back to me and said, "Yous know what? I dealt with this dead-end chore for a long time. I dealt with this anxiety too. But I decided to quit this task. I decided to do something different. And considering I took that leap, my life opened upwardly. It expanded. It changed. My anxiety got amend. I stopped taking drugs. I am grateful for what I take now. I am grateful for you lot, Paul."

He gave me a compliment and I'one thousand very honored past this, but he did all the piece of work! He felt similar things would never change. When y'all're in a place like that, you have to make the change. You lot have to take the steps. You have to move into a new place.

What that means is you might take to have a leap that you fear taking or that you believe might be the terminate of you. Don't accept that literally. I hateful, sometimes we carry around a fright so deep that nosotros think we're going to die. That's the origin of fear sometimes. He might have believed that irresolute jobs or quitting his job might be the end for him because everything else was going terrible in his life. He probably idea if he had no money, it was all over. But something motivated him, something compelled him to take those steps – to take a leap – to make a change in his life because he wanted something different for himself.

This is sort of my betoken with this segment is that if it'due south non changing, you might need to make that change . And you might need to practise something that is very, very scary. But I'd similar to inquire, what do you got to lose? If you think it's the worst it's going to go right now, and it'll never get better, so why not take a leap of faith? Why non do something big? Why not change something about your life, even though you might accept a belief that doing it might exist the final nail on the coffin?

I'g not talking about suicide or ending your life. I'thou not talking about that at all. That's the contrary of what I'one thousand talking near. Because when you're at the bottom of the hole, sometimes the but way to climb upward and out of the hole is to take a scary pace into the unknown, or into what you fear. Because like I said, "What do you got to lose when you're already down and out, y'all're depressed, nothing's going your fashion, yous experience stuck, and you lot don't remember life's ever going to get better?

It's at that point that yous know something has to modify and you might take to be the one to change it. You might have to be the one to take that big, scary pace into an unknown future that might only change your life for the better. This is what this person did. And I'k so glad he wrote back and shared this with me so that I could share it with you and maybe give you some motivation or encouragement to do something or brand a conclusion that mayhap it's time to make.

Maybe not. I don't know where you are in life. Maybe your life is going peachy and in that location's no big conclusion yous have to make. You may or may not be in that location, just I believe someone listening needed to hear this correct at present.

***

I had an episode a few weeks dorsum where I suggested that every answer we are looking for is on the net and that whatever you're experiencing, someone has likewise experienced, or is experiencing now also. In other words, you are not alone in your challenges. There is ever someone else out in that location going through the same thing as you.

However, I too said if anyone couldn't observe that person, group, or website, I wanted to know about information technology. I wanted to detect out if at that place were people that had truly unique challenges. I believe you find almost whatsoever solution online, simply I was likewise curious if at that place were those that couldn't.

In that location are a lot of solutions out in that location. At that place are a lot of answers. But that doesn't mean you're ready for the reply. It doesn't mean you're ready to change your life or have big steps. It's kind of hard to look for your problem on the net, then use the solution because your situation might exist dissimilar than somebody else's. Somebody else might have enough resources to do what they need to do and you may not.

Somebody else might have the backbone to have a big step regardless of the consequences and you may non be at that place yourself. Information technology could besides exist the other way effectually. Somebody else may not accept the courage but they did information technology anyway. And you may take the backbone, simply your brain kicks in and says, "That'south crazy. Because when I do that, XYZ is going to happen. And if XYZ happens, I'thou in a whole heap of trouble!"

So I posed the concept that somebody has gone through or is going through now, what you are going through. Most people are on the internet nowadays, and a lot of people talk about their challenges and create Facebook groups and other groups where they discuss their challenges and then information technology tin be a picayune easier to discover other people with whom to connect. However, I recall a big challenge that comes upwardly for a lot of people is that they don't want to talk near their problems with strangers.

It's funny actually, I do that every week! I talk about my issues with a lot of strangers. However, I don't consider anyone that listens to this bear witness a stranger. I consider them either a friend, or a partner in crime, or a partner in emotional intelligence, a fellow emotional warrior, all of us going through life tackling all these challenges. Or at to the lowest degree nosotros're working on tackling the challenges and going through healing, any "healing" means to you.

Your healing could be something minor or a big emotional response to something yous don't like. Or information technology could exist something huge. Maybe abuse that you lot dealt with in your past, or maybe you're dealing with right at present. Or perhaps some trauma you went through. We all have different levels of healing and growth – what I similar to call personal evolution. Information technology's when nosotros reach a new level within of usa.

Once we heal from something and acquire from that thing, and information technology no longer gives united states that negative feeling, I believe we have evolved in some way. This doesn't include people that we miss or things nosotros feel bad that nosotros did in our by. I'm talking about things that happened to us. There are behaviors that I did in my by that I'll probably never erase the negative feeling nearly. Never.

And that's okay. I think it's a reminder. I recollect when we feel bad virtually something we did in our past, that reminder is an incentive, not only for us to deed better now and in the future, but also equally an opportunity to reverberate. I think when nosotros feel bad about something we did, it'south an opportunity to reflect on it and proceeds some wisdom.

There'south always more wisdom to gain. And I believe information technology's okay to reflect on something that you did. If you feel bad about information technology, I believe it'due south okay to feel bad. You lot're going to take to grieve a piddling chip. You're going to have to mourn whatever it was. If it'due south a loss of a friend or family, or the loss of dearest somewhere, or y'all injure someone and you feel bad about information technology, I retrieve it's good to feel bad because it shows that you lot accept heart.

It shows that y'all have compassion. It shows that you have empathy. It shows that you're a adept person. And if yous weren't such a good person dorsum then, you are now because y'all experience bad about what you did! It shows heart. It shows an emotional connection that some people don't have. Some people will go out there and hurt others and non care if they feel bad.

You intendance. That'due south a huge accomplishment. That's a big affair! And I want you to be proud of that. Be proud of feeling bad. The reason I say that is because yous desire a reminder that yous are a expert person, and feeling bad is that reminder. You may not need this reminder. You may non like this reminder, just it'due south a skilful reminder.

It's expert to recall that you take information technology in you to connect with someone at a deeper level that other people may non exist able to. Some people don't feel a deeper connection. They don't experience bad for being hurtful or abusive. And because you lot are this mode, yous are about probable never going to make that same mistake once again.

People who understand, people who have compassion, people who are emotionally connected to themselves and others, commonly exercise the best they can now, and they always effort to do meliorate next time. If you're non that person, if you're not the blazon of person who feels bad for doing something hurtful to someone else, I really don't believe y'all're listening correct now. If y'all are, maybe yous're being forced to. Perhaps your partner or your friend or somebody in your life said "Y'all demand to listen to this testify! And you lot need to learn what yous need to learn so you'll stop treating me this way!"

I've had that happen really. It happens over at my other podcast, Honey and Corruption which is nearly emotionally abusive relationships. People that demand to be guided to listen to something like this, they're either going to walk away with more resistance, or they're going to walk away with hopefully something they didn't know before that helps them. Perhaps information technology will assist them realize that what they're doing is hurtful.

Then there are those that will think this content doesn't apply to them. These people are either not ready to hear what I'm talking virtually, or they just don't want to reflect. They just don't want to go within and consider that they may have whatever hurtful behavior in them. Those are the kind of people that y'all have to be more than careful of. You lot have to exist careful of those who hurt you, or are toxic, and when they are told that they are hurtful or toxic, they don't reflect on it. We just have to be careful around those people because they may not be the type that are going to connect with you in a way that is helpful or supportive. They're just not in that infinite.

I actually believe I am not a hurtful person, even when my girlfriend says, "What you just said hurt me." (But she usually says it in a dissimilar way, mayhap with an expletive or two). I have to stop and remember "Whoa, what just happened here? I don't believe I'thousand a hurtful person!". (My ego kicks in and says what she said is non true. I may or may not say this out loud.)

I might say, "I didn't hurt you" but that's an invalidation. And then I'll catch myself saying that then think to myself, "Okay, I don't desire to invalidate her considering what she is experiencing is her feel. It's her reality. I need to check in with myself and enquire, 'Did what I only say injure her?'"

My ego still resists this because my intention wasn't to hurt her. Maybe I believed I was teaching her something or telling her a truth I thought she didn't know. Or something else. Regardless of my thoughts in that moment, I accept to acknowledge in me that she is experiencing hurt, and I love her, and I don't want her to feel hurt whether my behavior was intentionally hurtful or not. I take to reverberate. I have to terminate. I have to get out of my head and out of my ego.

I have to reflect on what I but said and how I fabricated her feel, or how she took information technology, and accept responsibility for my role in what just happened so that I can figure out how it devolved to being a hurtful situation.

By reflecting, it gives me the wisdom to non practice it the aforementioned way again, and to connect with her in a manner that is validating and supportive. It allows me to see it from her perspective, which is empathetic. That's part of empathy at to the lowest degree. Reflecting is educational for me to empathize that how I come across might be hurtful.

When you are with someone who reverberate, or if y'all practise this yourself, I believe it is an aware land of beingness. It's non full enlightenment, but you're probably more emotionally connected, even during an argument, and yous are probably willing to back off your attachment to beingness right, fifty-fifty during the peak of the oestrus of the statement.

That's probably i of the most powerful lessons I've learned. When you are in a full-on argument and y'all are both capable of listening to the other person and stepping out of yourself so when they say something that makes sense or is right, y'all can permit go of your ego and acknowledge, "Okay, you lot take a point," this is when the relationship strengthens and evolves.

Are you capable of doing this? Tin y'all choose to be non and so entrenched in an argument and your attachment to being right that you can focus on the bigger picture of wanting to exist in a loving, supportive human relationship instead? Can you lot step out of the heat and focus on the fact that yous actually beloved the other person? (if you honey them, of course. I'1000 talking mainly well-nigh arguments or heated conversations with those we love).

That'southward kind of the thought that comes to my mind when I'm in this heated space. Fortunately, arguments don't happen often, but they do happen. I think they happen to the best of us. We can think that we've learned everything nosotros needed to learn, nosotros can believe we have all the tools to communicate clearly, but information technology nonetheless happens. There'due south e'er going to be a misinterpretation or miscommunication, or some sort of misunderstanding that we are going to take to battle out.

I hate to put it that way, only sometimes information technology feels that way. We battle it out with our words and we don't necessarily want to injure each other but nosotros just want to get our point across and feel like nosotros are understood and that they are validating what we are saying. Nosotros put this stuff out at that place and we just want them to admit it and say we're right so that everything will be great.

Merely information technology's fifty-fifty better when you're willing to footstep back and say "You might be right. That'due south a proficient indicate. I did not consider that and I might have to reflect on that. I might have to remember about that for a while."

When you can step into that infinite, you know what it does? It allows the other person to do the same thing. Because it's and so rare that when y'all're in a loving, supportive human relationship, that when you determine to footstep back, and step out of your ego to reverberate and say, "That's a good point." They'll feel safe enough to practise the same affair back.

Once again, that's in a loving, supportive, non-controlling non-manipulative human relationship. In a healthy relationship when i of you is willing to do that, the other ane usually feels safety enough to do information technology besides. I tin can't tell you how many times I've done that and my girlfriend after on (typically not in the moment), comes back and says, "I'thou sorry, I was and then harsh with you. I'm sorry I said all those words." Then we talk about it. And nosotros apologize to each other, and everything is keen again.

It'due south amazing to me what happens when I let go and but pace out of myself and put my ego in the backseat and but allow myself to be vulnerable in that moment. It'due south the scariest moment because you're in the heat of it, simply when I do it, she no longer feels similar she has to have the large guns out.

And it works both means. When she does it, I no longer feel similar I have to have the large guns out. When our fight or flight kicks in, and of a sudden we're either ferocious or submissive or whatever information technology is, when ii potent personalities are verbally duking it out, it could get all kinds of ways.

Nosotros have to be very careful about how much we're investing in the argument versus how much we're investing in the bigger picture show of beloved and connection.

This is where I become. When I'm in the middle of an argument, in whatever type of heated contend, I remember the big pic of honey and connection and that helps me let become of the attachment to existence right. Information technology helps me listen, larn and sympathise, and back down a little bit. Fifty-fifty if there's a point that I need to brand, I choose to help deflate the negative energy in this state of affairs because it doesn't help our connection. It only helps to fuel our defensiveness or offensiveness. And when we accept that fuel abroad, we tin can get our normal selves again. We can start to relax around each other and our fangs become back in our into our mouths and our talons start to retract from our hands, and now we can have a chat. At that bespeak, in that location'southward love again.

It may non happen right away but when the bigger motion-picture show is love and connection, information technology tin and does happen again. Of class, we're in what I would consider a healthy human relationship, where there's not ane person that's trying to dominate, trying to be disciplinarian or the disciplinarian where you lot have to be submissive or they have to exist submissive. This doesn't piece of work with an unbalanced relationship similar that.

With two healthy people that support each other, even though that support tin still come up during an statement or heated conversation, it can and commonly does settle back down into love and connectedness.

The whole reason I brought all that stuff up is because the person I brought upwardly at the showtime of the segment wrote to me said, "I'm having this state of affairs that I can't find on the cyberspace." (I don't even know if this is related to what I just said every bit information technology kind of went off on a tangent, but I shall continue anyhow). This person said, "Hey, Paul, the podcast you lot created that's called "When loved ones resist the decisions you demand to make for yourself, you mentioned how the internet is a source for support, and how in that location is someone out there merely like yous, and if you lot can't find anything like your state of affairs you lot would like to know, and then that you could advise something."

She connected, "I think that'south me. I'm the spouse of a retired veteran. I'm in a remote area. I deal with various forms of abuse, not physical, and I'd like to speak with quondam spouses who left their human relationship. Or even someone I could share living expenses with, preferably military. We've been retired for years. I merely have no more inner strength."

Wow, that sounds like a no-way-out scenario. It sounds not merely frustrating, merely like she sounds similar she believes she will never get out of this situation. She'due south looked online couldn't find others in her circumstances so she wrote to me.

I am sympathetic for her challenge. One of the reasons I wanted to hear from anyone that couldn't find a solution is because I have a big Facebook group of extremely kind, supportive people that would be a expert starting point for her or anyone else that needs a good support structure in their life.

The group is called The Overwhelmed Brain Empowerment Group. There are all kinds of personalities in there. At that place are all kinds of people that have gone through their own things. I've seen questions come up that say, "I'm thinking about doing this", "I have washed this, what should I do next?"

At that place are simply and so many bright replies. Everyone has dissimilar backgrounds and have had different relationships. They've had different jobs. There are so many kinds of people in in that location. So when you can't notice a solution, I remember that'southward a proficient identify to start, not because I want to promote the grouping (it has grown on its own organically just fine and it continues to grow) merely considering I actually believe information technology is a great kickoff for those who believe they don't know where to starting time. It'south likewise a safe place to share anything on your heed.

And information technology's free! Anyone can join. And I personally brand certain it stays free of clutter, judgment, and politics. I call it the safest identify on the internet.

Now, y'all may not find someone in this grouping, or anywhere else, that is in your exact state of affairs, only in this person's case, y'all will observe someone who was afraid to get out. You'll find someone who felt isolated similar you, or someone who didn't have money if you're dealing with that, or someone who didn't have the courage they needed.

You're going to observe people that take been in your situation or who have known people in your situation when you lot connect with a large enough grouping of people that take all these random backgrounds and experiences. So I highly recommend you bring together!

***

The final thing I want to talk nigh today came to listen while I was recording this episode (and I say this with love and respect for you):

Stop getting upset at other people for violating boundaries that you lot haven't made articulate.

The reason I say this is because I was the biggest violator of this dominion most of my life. I would not like my boss for asking me to piece of work the weekend considering "He should know better dammit!. He should know that it upsets me. He should know I desire weekends off. He should know all the stuff I dearest to do on the weekend, yet he still asks me to work? What a wiggle! Doesn't he realize information technology upsets me? Doesn't he see my face? He must hear my frustration. Why does he continue doing it"?

I would become upset at my bosses over the years when they asked me to do things I didn't like. All the same, I never told them what my boundaries were. This might not be the best example because piece of work can be a different animal, only should I really get upset in this case if I never told my boss I don't like working weekends?

What'south worse, is that when they asked me, approximate what I did? I just said "Aye." I mean it'southward okay for them to inquire of course, even if they knew I didn't want to, merely I never gave myself the choice to say yep or no. I simply said aye.

I would something like, "Fine. I'll do it." Because I was a expert people-helper. I'k a helpful guy. I like to make sure our team and our visitor is doing dandy. And I like to be seen as a adept worker. Certain, I could probably work things out over the weekend and stop a work project. I know that I was very productive and helpful. But I still got upset, or at least perturbed, at the people asking me to do it when they knew I didn't like to. Only I never said, "You know what? I'm going to take this weekend off. I'one thousand going to say no this time. I never said that!

Ooh, that might be risky though. If you lot did that, information technology could get you fired.

Yup. It could.

It could very well get you fired. Merely who'southward going to fire y'all for honoring your boundaries? And if they did, really, do y'all want to work for that kind of person? And I know this is terrible thing to say because right now, during COVID, a lot of people need jobs and they don't want to get fired. Then of course, you may not want to take this advice. And I totally get information technology!

I don't know if I would take my ain advice right now. If I had to written report to a boss that said I needed to work, but I didn't want to work that mean solar day, I might piece of work anyway.

At the same time, I have to ask myself, "Can I live with myself?" My answer might exist well, "Yes. It'due south only one time. Of course I can alive with myself. Of class I can do this one fourth dimension."

Only what if something like this happened in your life over and over again? And you lot got more and more upset with that person all because you believe they should know amend? And considering they should know information technology upsets you. My question is, Accept you e'er made that boundary clear? Have you lot ever said, "I'm non going to practice that, and I don't want y'all to enquire me to practise that anymore."?

Again, the work state of affairs might be a bad example, but permit'south just say it's your friend that says, "Hey, volition you picket our dog again when we continue our month-long cruise?" Possibly you don't want to practice that. Possibly that's something that you really are ill of because you lot've done a lot and you lose all your personal time, and you have to walk the dog 6 times a twenty-four hour period, and it just takes upwardly a lot of your energy, merely since yous've done it in the by and you don't desire to look bad, and you don't want to cause whatever tension in the human relationship, you might say yep.

But what if you didn't? What if you chose to say, "That takes a lot of free energy. And I'yard only not going to take that time or energy this calendar month," or something like that?

What if you thought presenting a boundary would crusade some tension in the relationship? If you idea that, why? Friends who care about you, they care most your time. They intendance about your free energy, they intendance about your happiness.

I ask you to consider that your "no" is an opportunity to find out who really cares about your well existence. That could exist a wholly unfair statement to make because it could be interpreted as "Oh, you're saying that if someone gets upset that I said 'no', that they don't really care nearly me?"

Yes, something like that. 😉

I know there are exceptions. I know that you might say no to someone and they might go upset and say something like, "You e'er do this for us. This fourth dimension you're maxim no? What am I supposed to do?" This response has a fleck of selfishness.

Here'south how a conversation with someone might get if they really aren't concerned near your well-being and only concerned nearly their own:

Them: "Hey, can you picket my dog for a calendar month while I go on this groovy cruise?"

Yous: "Sorry, I can't do it this time. I just can't."

Them: "You can't? How am I supposed to go then? I don't know who else to ask." (They add in some guilt. What kind of friend is that? That's not a friendly, supportive affair to do).

Them: "Okay, fine. I get information technology. You don't want to walk my dog six times a day and information technology takes a lot of time and energy, just what else are you lot doing throughout the day?" (Now they're pushing y'all against the wall trying to make yous feel guilty again. They're besides forcing you to reveal things that they can claiming you on. If you say, " I am going to read during that time," they might challenge you on that: "You could probably read an ebook on your phone while walking the domestic dog." (at present they're trying to go you lot to comply with what they want you to do, once more, ignoring your request and ignoring the purlieus you lot put out there).

If they're beingness a jerk, they might continue and say, "Okay, fine. Y'all don't desire to walk my domestic dog. That's fine. I'll never inquire once again." (Now they're existence a real jerk. They're saying this friendship doesn't matter to them, and the fact that you said 'no', is a clear indicator that you lot don't like them and you don't care most their happiness. Again, they're trying to make y'all feel guilty by turning it around and saying y'all don't intendance near their happiness.)

They could go on to say, "Fine. I'll never ask you over again," which sounds similar at that place'southward going to exist tension in the human relationship from that signal on. And they're expecting y'all to submit to something but won't give you any room to want something for yourself. They only desire what they want, and you have to comply in order for them to be happy. If you don't comply, and then they're not happy and they're going to make sure you know that you did this to them even though they gear up it up in a way that would make y'all feel guilty if yous said no.

Once you lot said no, they came up with all these tactics and techniques to brand you experience bad. That's textbook emotional abuse. When someone ignores your happiness and well being in order to manipulate the outcome that they desire, are they really beingness a loving, kind person to yous? Are they really a friend? Are they really a good partner? Are they really a good guy? Are they actually a good mother in police?

If that turnaround happens, where they brand you the bad guy for honoring your boundaries, you need to wake upward if you oasis't. You need to snap out of the guilt phase and snap into the sensation phase of what'due south actually going on.

Yeah, we could state our boundary and that scenario could unfold like I outlined to a higher place, merely this gives us an opportunity to turn on our awareness to what'due south really happening. In one case you plough on your awareness and y'all stand for yourself and brand your boundaries clear, and the person that you're making those boundaries clear to decides to brand you lot feel bad or guilty or say that the friendship is ruined because of you, then what kind of relationship did y'all really take in the first place?

That doesn't sound like a relationship at all. That just sounds like somebody who was happy that they could utilize you, or use y'all whenever they wanted. We have to exist conscientious when we develop relationships similar that. It almost always comes down to our ability to enforce our boundaries or not. If you lot feel guilty for enforcing your boundaries because the other person makes you feel bad about yourself, so your approach to this is all wrong and you have to see this human relationship every bit something different. You have to meet it for what it is.

When someone makes you feel bad for enforcing your boundaries, there's probably a control or manipulation mechanism in at that place, and you just have to exist conscientious not to amplify information technology or bring information technology out. Or maybe you just take to disconnect from that person to protect yourself.

Some people can get upset at you for making your boundaries clear which is probably why we don't often make them clear. Nosotros probably don't desire to describe that line with certain people because we don't want to upset them. But just call up, people who love and support you want yous to have boundaries. They want to know what's acceptable and what's non.

For example, I call up I kissed my girlfriend on the back of the cervix in one case. I love doing that. but she got creeped out! Not considering it was me, but because it reminded her of something that happened to her in her past, and she didn't like it at all. And then I don't do it anymore. I stopped completely. But imagine if she never told me that she got creeped out when I kissed her on the back of the neck? Imagine if she just decided to take it considering "He'due south my boyfriend and I'm supposed to like it and I shouldn't have this reaction. I'll just get that creeped out feeling and deal with it, and then swallow my emotions and just get through the moment…"

That would exist pretty awful! What would build up inside of her every fourth dimension I did that? She would associate me with creepiness. I don't want that. I'm then glad she said something. I felt offended at first. I thought, I'm your boyfriend. I should be able to osculation y'all on the dorsum of the neck. What's incorrect with that? That was my first reaction.

But then I realized of class we all accept our emotional and physical triggers, and nosotros have to be careful when somebody says, "I don't like that." Nosotros comply. We say we're sorry. We tell them won't practice information technology again. Okay, bully. Wonderful. At that place's no creepy feeling anymore! There'due south no negativity.

I had to become into that space when it happened. It never happened to me before. I've never had anyone say anything like that but she said it. I'm grateful for that. I'one thousand glad she doesn't associate me with creepiness. I haven't pushed the consequence and let it exist. It was helpful for me to know this nearly her. I'm so glad she drew that line and said, "I don't like this."

Okay, I won't cantankerous that line again. It makes our human relationship amend. That's what boundaries do: They brand relationships ameliorate.

If you have someone that doesn't honor your boundaries or gets upset that yous accept boundaries, and they want to violate them anyhow, you have to consider what type of relationship that is. And you'll need to consider if that's something you're willing to live with and accept, because people who love yous and support you want you to have boundaries.

Not only because they desire you to feel comfortable in your own skin, just because it helps them know how you lot want them to show upwards in your life. If they know your boundaries, and they accolade those boundaries, and so because they beloved and support y'all, they know that honoring those boundaries will make you happy, or at least happier.

They should know this. And if they don't want to accolade your boundaries, that's a dissimilar blazon of relationship that you might need to have a talk about or afterthought nigh.

Learning to award your boundaries has inverse every attribute of my life because it makes me feel comfortable in my ain skin. I want y'all to feel comfortable in your own skin. I want you to experience good inside yourself. Considering that is your temple, your body, your heed, your soul, your spirit, whatever you are made up of. It's that sacred space inside of you lot that you should feel the virtually comfortable. And when you tell others how y'all feel comfy with them or annihilation in your life, they should want that for you as well.

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